Mindscape

By Rachel Grady

Sunflowers reach up to the sky; their heads droop over for the weight is too strong. I remember how Grandma always found time to plant them, not just in lines or randomly, but in a circle. They formed a secret hide out for me.

Thriving in the early fall season, they soon attracted bumblebees in search of pollen. Various birds visited the giants, picking at the brown seeds that rested in the center. The bees never bothered me for I sat down making it feel as if they were flying above the clouds. They tended to choose the adults to bother, well, my big brother too. He was so tall. I felt safe down there, for a constant buzzing was all I heard. The bees made their way in and out, over and under the flowers. I guess they just felt comfortable with me. I never did get scared. Their buzzing provided me with energy and I took care of them by watering the sunflowers. They needed me. I thought back how most kids ran away screaming when they saw the fuzzy insect that’s black and yellow, but me, no way. I would ask myself, Why hurt me? Why dislike me? I did nothing but love them. Only the fall season provided sunflowers and bumblebees, so I waited for this time of year every year, and treasured how beautiful nature had become.

***

I lied in my bed, wide-awake at ten thirty-seven p.m. It was a school night and I had a busy day tomorrow. Wonderful, I thought, I couldn’t fall asleep. Every night at this time I would think. All the energy I once had now turned into anxiety. I would think about my family and my soccer team plus everything in between. It was the only time I had during the course of the day to slow down, to calm down and unwind in total silence. No one to interrupt me, or go against my opinion; it was just me. My windows were open and the cool air soon filled my box of a room. Suddenly, the rain started to fall. A downpour from the heavens, as if it had been falling forever, hit the ground with a smack. How quickly this all unfolded. More thoughts raced through my head. Did I finish all my homework? I can’t forget my iPod for my away game tomorrow. Did I feed my fish after school? I forgot to put my retainer in. Oh well, I’m too comfortable now to get up. The rain soothed me, calmed me, and put me into a state of relaxation. The anxiety now released. People were snapping their fingers. Louder. Louder. The air now had a specific scent: leaves, dirt, nature, fall. It was the rain that made this smell come out of hiding. Stress soon left my mind and all thoughts were erased from my psyche. I slept.

***

A blue sky and huge white clouds across the vast openness of the horizon called my name. Yesterday was a fall day. I had put on my jeans and a sweatshirt to match the temperature. Wind moved the clouds at a constant rate and made them into new shapes. I sat down on the cold grass and leaves, a giant butterfly and a lop-sided rocket ship collided above me in the clouds. The calmness from before, now slowly moved into a state of focus and the wind picked up. Hundreds of leaves scurried across the lawn and floated up into the air. The leaves of trees that lined the property were no longer green; mostly reds this year, along with a few oranges and yellows. It happened so fast I would tell myself; little did I know it would be gone in the blink of an eye. Some already died, brown and crisp, they waited to be raked and bagged. Fall colors were always a special New England gift.